Last week on the Book of Love Hotline, we had an amazing follower call in to ask this question:
Caller: "Hey Jean-eva. I recently put myself out there with a guy. I did the thing that we're all so scared to do. I made the move. I sent a message saying, 'I've got a big crush on you! Do with that information what you will." I didn't get a response, [it] was actually left [as] read for almost a solid week. I think it was around five or six days, and then the response was, kind of being friend zoned. Getting flooded with compliments and then friend zoned."
*Coaching note! If you have to reject or turn someone down, don't include a list of compliments. Just be straight up. The compliments have no meaning if followed by a rejection.
Caller: "And so I was really let down. I had a lot of high hopes with it. I guess my question for you is, how do you avoid going into that negative headspace, of being a potential man-hater or get down on yourself from a situation like that? What tips would you have to stay positive?"
I knew right away her actual question wasn't how to not become a man-hater, but really how to make the rejection hurt less. First of all ladies, there is no need to verbally profess our crush to a man. If a man really likes you, he will put in the effort to ask you out. Regardless of if he is shy and introverted, he will find a way to spend time with you, or talk to you, so long as you are open and available for the ask out. That being said, being open and available for the ask out, can leave us vulnerable for rejection, just as much as professing our love for someone directly. So my advice to her still applies for both of these techniques.
Matchmaker: "Okay, you're probably not going to like my answer. In order to allow rejection to be less hurtful and to stay in a positive mindset, you have to get rejected, a lot more! I always bring this back to when I first started hosting speed dating events."
Which totally parallels success in dating.
Matchmaker: "I needed to message a million people to get even a few people to a speed dating event. Now let me tell you, my first speed dating event, I'm like, ALL MEN SUCK! They don't want to come to this event. I'm getting rejected left, right and center."
It sucked! Took every rejection personally and would really let it get me down.
Matchmaker: "Then I realized, as I kept getting rejected over and over again as more speed dating events came up, that I just needed to double and triple my amount of rejections in order to get what I wanted... which was a full speed dating event!"
I also realized, it was totally their prerogative to not come to a speed dating event. Speed dating events are not everyone's cup of tea. Just like we aren't everyone's cup of tea! The best thing about being single, is we get to choose the person we decide to partner up with. Everyone has the right to reject or decline on dating someone. It doesn't make them a bad person, and they don't deserve to be hated because of it. It is our natural tendency to villainize that person in order to distract ourselves from the hurt of the rejection. But really, there is no need for that, even if it took him longer than it should have to respond. Eventually, when we get good at dating, and are putting ourselves out there on a regular basis, we won't even be counting the days of dead air, because we have so many other connections on the go.
Matchmaker: "If you are only getting rejected once every six months, you're not getting rejected nearly enough. Now of course, there is lots we can do to keep ourselves out of the 'man hating' mode. We can do positive affirmations; we can spend more time with amazing men that lift us up so we know and realize there's amazing men out there. We can make sure we keep all of our thoughts and all of our verbiage about men positive to stay positive. You're totally welcome to get down on that rejection. And you're totally welcome to let yourself fall to pieces with that a little bit. But the more you get rejected the less it's going to hurt each time because you're going to get more used to it. And eventually one of those rejections is not going to be a rejection and it's going to be a shift in your life that makes putting ourselves out there worth it."
She totally took the advice like a champ and made the best analogy.
Caller: "So it's kinda like a job interview; like you have to still apply for jobs, and not get those jobs."
Matchmaker: "It's exactly the same thing, the only thing is, when you're searching for jobs if you don't keep looking, you could die of hunger" (a little bit of an exaggeration, but you get it). "Whereas with dating, you have zero negative response, outside of just continuing to be single. So we don't have the same desire to stay motivated like hunger, running out of money, or being able to keep the lights on. Because we have the luxury of being comfortable without putting ourselves out there."
I want you all to think back to the last time you have been rejected, both guys and gals. If it's been longer than a week, and you are actively hoping to find a relationship, then it has been too long. Ladies! Let's not put all the responsibility on the men. Make yourselves open and available for the ask out, so the men aren’t going from 0 to 100, but only 30 to 100.
Happy dating ya'll!
To listen to this episode which answers a few more questions, plus ten-minutes of full training, follow this link: